PARADISE IN HELL : SELF MENTAL GAME YEAR

So New Year is coming up and lots of people are like “New Year, new me”, “New Year, new me”. Well you know what? That’s bullshit. You will always be you. You will always be a stupid cunt that walk around shamelessness with no reason (pardon my language). All that you have to change is your attitude towards people around you because now is 2014 not an 18^th century anymore. People tent to be smart and you have to be smarter.

Everyone has a bucket list that they want to archive for, including me. There is so many things that I want to do this year and to start it all off, I want to make a list of them.

1) Be happy. That’s it. I want to be happy. I want to have real laugh and smile without faking it anymore. I want to be somewhere and realizing that I mattered. I want society to accept me for who I really am.

People always say,

At the age of seventeen, you have to figure out who are you gonna be.

No matter how immature you are, no matter how clueless you are, you have to plan your life at this point.

You have to be aware of which college you will someday sign up for, what profession will suit you the most and how to live all by yourself at the stranger’s town.

But no one asks you what do you want in life and what your most desired thing to do.

They assumed that if you go to college, get a degree and have a wonderful job, you are doing just fine.

But no. People want different things and for me, I just want to be happy.

I want to live my life to its fullest.

Smell the flowers as the sun rises.

Drink a cup of tea while reading books.

Go to concert and scream as long as I could.

To be happy. Just to be happy.

I also determined to be size 0. I want to be skinny, badly. I look at my friends and my family and they all have the perfect figure. I want to be like that. I tried everything. Skipped meals longer than 3 days, exercised non stop, ate healthy, drink green tea three times a day. Almost everything but of course, life’s a bitch.

I also want someone to love me for who I am because all that I can do is imagining someone love me because in real life, no one does. Maybe it’s my fault after all. I distanced myself for a while now including my best bud. I threw away my phone number, locked myself in room for days,deleted my facebook account, not talking to anyone at all. I think that if I distanced myself from everyone, someone that is worth saving in my life will appear but no one does. I really do hope that this is all just a phase because I’m starting to feel the feeling that the longer I bend, the closer I will breakdown.

2013 is my character development year. I struggled so much this year. I now became a person that 10 years old me swore to never be. I’ve been through so much and this year, everything is going to change. Just fucking watch me. I'm not a little girl anymore.